The Chronicles of Sarcasm
by Sugar Fanatic
Summary: a parody of all things, including fangirlisms, crossovers, and smut
1. Chapter 1: Hell is set loose

There are some things in life that should NEVER EVER be attempted. Skydiving should be left to

people who have a death wish. Lawyers should be left to people with guns. And fanfic writing should

never ever be placed in the hands of an overly excited, extremely caffinated twelve year old. Because,

as we all know, things are BOUND to go wrong…

Ah, yes, just another day in the life of your basic average fangirl. After waking up at 2 in the afternoon

after a late evening of bad slash writing and looking up almost-smut pictures of Daniel Radcliffe in his

knickers, she is ready for another day of obsession. But what to obsess over first? Well, she could go

on and post some more of her absolutely awful slash story of everyone's favorite sexii elf and his slighty

homosexual tendency to lust after Aragorn… or she could go RP or do a cosplay again. Yes, that was

really fun. Or she could start a new story. Hmm…maybe this story wouldn't be about a Sue, for once.

Maybe this time, she would go OC. Yes, that sounded like excellent fun! Because it wasn't as if she

had cruelly altered the world of cannon enough with her absolutely abysmal tale of Galadriel and

Remus' daughter Hermione. Nope, that just wasn't evil enough. And besides, she had gotten all of

those horrid flames about how horrible all of her shippings were and how she deserved to die and burn

in hell, ect, ect. So cruel, so mean. So not cute. And if it wasn't bad enough, they hadn't appreciated

her excellent Sirius/serious jokes. Seriously (just had to throw that one in there) you had to give her

some sort of creative credit. What preteen would think to throw in Hellogoodbye lyrics for the sole

purpose of the phrase "serious as a heart attack"? And it had worked out great with Hermione, aka

"Mia" traveling back in time and meeting Sirius and falling head over heels in love with him, all because

he heard her singing. Those people who wrote those Snape/Hermione fics were so _perverted_. Didn't

they know that Mia was meant to be Sirius' sole mate? And then those stupid people (including the

author) who were just so bound and determined to pair Ron with Hermione. Darn them all. Who cared

about Ron? Or even Harry for that matter? The only ship that remotely made sense to her beside her

own was the Draco/Hagrid ship. Now that was a match made in Heaven.

Yes, she, Peggie the OC fangirl would make them pay. They would rue the day they ever flamed her

fic. At this, she began to laugh evilly (or as evilly as a girl who shops at Claire's can possibly manage).


	2. Chapter 2 parts and cannon death

Part One, section !

_In which cannon dies a slow painful death and spell check commits suicide_

Cracking her knuckles, Peggie whipped out her laptop, cracked it open, entered the wonderful world of Word, and began to take poetic level to new and awful heights, of which it itself is vastly afraid. This would not just be your average ficlet. Because, as we all know, if Yogi is smarter than the average bear, then how much smarter is an experienced fan fiction writer?

Not much. That much was evident by the many little red and green underlinings that began to appear instantaneously. She hadn't even touched the keys yet, and already her spell check had self-destructed. But what could really be expected by a computer application that had spent its whole life being ignored? It was only a matter of time before the horrendous spelling and grammatical errors became too much for its little inanimate heart to bear.

Ignoring the little bytes of blood running down the screen, she began to type.

Part one, section

Sugar, spice, and nothing at all nice 

It was a dark and stormynight. Gimly and Leggie Poo were skipping merrily in all sorts of lovely gay anghst, wearing flowery berets and dancing with butterflies. After a few hours of passionately snogging in a hidden grove, they continued their constitutional and lo! And behold, there was Frodo making out with Sam!

Awe, how sweet! Simply forgetting the fact that that Frodo would never have been caught dead making out with Sam, they merely excepted this fact and went skipping merrily on their way. Speaking of Merry, look! Here he was, with his dearest, trulyest, and onlyest love Aewin. So cute together. They were out on their ponies, Sugar and Spice, who were grazing adorably on the sugar grass that grew only in the Living lands. Just then, Arwen and Aragorn came by on a picnic with their son, Hawalon. Hawalon had grown up big and strong since his premiere in The return of that one guy, and having recently returned from Gandalf's funeral in the Undying lands, was filled with oh so much adorable anghst and whatnot. Staring piningly into the distance, he contemplated slitting his wrists. Instead, he opted for wandering around in anghsty circles, singing really lame songs by Hawethorn Heights about how sad he was, and how he had gotten in trouble for stealing his little sister's eyeliner and how much he hated his parents, ect, ect. Gazing off into the starry blue, anghsty misty distance, he just so happened to notice a very scantily clad girl coming toward him. He instantly fell madly, passionately in love with her, dispite several claims of not being entirely sure he only liked girls. But this girl was something special, oh yes indeed. The first thing he noticed about her (besides her lack of clothing) was her big blue/violet/red/green/orange/yellow eye. The other eye was just plain cerrelian, but that was ok. She had long, flowy, silver hair, complete with a blue fohawk and and several random braids. She also had a lot of feathers and beads in there too, somehow. She had a scar shaped like a lightening bolt on her collarbone, which was exposed in all of its anorexic glory by her very low-cut t shirt from hot topic.

Running over to her and sweeping her into his arms, Hawalon asked, "Hey baby. You got a name to go along with that smile?"

"My name is PeggieMegLauraJaneTiffanyBloo MariahJacksonTyraCorneliaConrad Earthwindandfire. But you can call me Phmee for short." She spoke in a beautifully liltic singsong voice, and suddenly felt inspired to burst into song.

"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIIIIIIIC" At which point, the hills promptly died an awful death, with blood running from their ears. The characters all died too, the cannon characters from the singing, and Phmee from embarrassment.

But, unfortunately, this fan fiction isn't over. It looks like its time to pay a visit to the Powers that Be.

(A/N) it's a dark and stormy night, because that's the only sort of night it could possibly be. Heaven forbid it's a bright and sunny day. That would just be too original.

and yes, I know Merry does not end up with Eowyn. Nor would I want him to.

-All character names are misspelled entirely on purpose and none of the views shown here represent the opinion of the author-

I shall now proceed to go bash my head in out of guilt for altering canon to such an extreme. Or maybe I'll just go do geometry proofs. Same effect.


	3. Intermission: the musical

To the tune of: Emo Kid by Adam and Andrew. Parody of Songfics.

I'm a Mary-Sue killing cannon with such glee

You could destroy cannon too if you wrote about me.

I have long flowing hair, and curves in the right places

I have really straight teeth and have never worn braces.

Because then I would be ugly, and look like everyone else

By the way, did I mention, I'm half werewolf and part elf?

I attract all the guys, and all of the girls too…

What do you mean I don't attract you?

Multicolored hair and really cool shoes

I'm a Mary Sue.

I attract all the chicks and really old dudes

I'm a Mary Sue

In a beauty contest all of the other girls lose

Because I'm a Mary Sue.

Did I mention how much I anghst and how I hate my life?

I want to make out and be Aragorn's wife.

The phrase "plot hole" means nothing to me

Because they pop up wherever I be.

Multicolored hair and really cool shoes

I'm a Mary Sue.

I sing really badly when I play the blues

I'm a Mary Sue.

All the cannon girls are really old news

Here comes the Mary Sue.


	4. Chapter 4 Self Discovery

To everyone whose been leaving all those loverly comments:

Thank you so very very much. Sorry bout not updating for a while. I..well you see I…um…err…convieniently chokes on popcorn um…gotta go.By the way, sorry if this seems a bit...shall we say...confusing? Read the author's note at the end.

Walking into a suspiciously dark room filled with suspiciously hidden characters whom The Author couldn't see, she took a seat in a chair that had been borrowed from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The magic chains shuddered as she sat down, but didn't spring upon her. She could feel the malignant glare of several angry Powers apon her. Ah, yes, the Powers.

Power 1: WHO HAS BEEN ALTERING MY CANNON OF LATE?

The Author cowered in fear. "Well, you see, I was doing a parody of a fangirl fic"

Power 2: YOU ALTER MY CANNON IN THE NAME OF FANGIRL –ISM?

WELL, SEEING AS HOW IT IS A PARODY, I SUPPOSE WE CAN ALLOW IT. JUST THIS ONCE..BUT IF YOU SHOULD FAIL, ALL OF MANKIND SHALL FALL INTO A DARKNESS…

Power 1: AH, DON'T GO INTO THIS AGAIN. YOU HAD YOUR SHOT WITH LORD OF THE RINGS.

Power 2: AT LEAST MY STORY WAS SOMEWHAT ORIGINAL…

Power 1: HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME! JUST BECAUSE MY STORY RESEMBLE'S THE CHRONICLES A WEEE BIT…

Power 3: YOU STOLE MY PLOT! ONLY NO ONE CARED BECAUSE I'M DEAD AND WE DEAD PEOPLE GET NO SAY IN ANYTHING!

Power 1: WAIT, WE'RE DEAD? I'M NOT DEAD! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIIIIE! AND THE SEVENTH BOOK HASN'T EVEN COME OUT YET!

Power 2: THAT IS JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED THAT WHATEVER YOU WRITE IS JUST GOING TO SOUND LIKE YOU GOT ON THAT KOOKIE FAN FICTION SITE AND COPIED SOME JUNK SOME TEENAGE GIRL WROTE BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER YOURSELF!

Power 1: DARN YOU TOLKIEN!! DARN YOU!

At this point, The Author gave up and left. She didn't care if she had the blessing of the Powers that Be to continue with her writing. Besides, thanks to her handy dandy tape recorder, she had enough for some very fun blackmail. Going home, and sitting at her laptop, she began to type.

Bouncing up and down with much glee that would have terrified even the bounciest of Tiggers, Peggie let a squeal of sadistic delight Mwahhahaha! Grinning evilly comes with rather surprising ease to sweet little girls (especially those who claim to be cute), which would make and bad guy jealous. However, a smart bad guy would get down on his hands and knees and sell his soul just so that she wouldn't give him some sort of DAUGHTER who would fall in love with Harry (eyes…start…bleeding..) and turn to the light side (criinnge) and help Scarface in destroying Daddy (computer starts melting). It was just too much for any self-respecting villain to bear. Not that Peggie actuall cared about any of this. All she really cared about was deciding the lineage of Phmee.

"Now, lets see", she puzzled out loud to Herself. Herself whipped out a legal pad and began jotting down very precise notes while filing Peggie's nails and making her a splendid cappacino. You see, Peggie really wasn't too bright. She didn't multitask well at all, and what with her mental powers of concentration being focused on determining the OC's parentage, she couldn't be trusted to handle a pair of scissors. It was just so complicated getting the little handle thingies to go up and down like that…so Herself took care of it.

Not that Peggie didn't notice Herself had only shown up within the last few daysl She consided the appearance of some random person who looked dead on her to be merely a side effect of the writing. Yes, against all possible reason…she had found Herself in her writing. Literally. She chose to ignore the fact that herself had the voice of a certain dark lord with completely mechanical limbs. Who was she to judge Herself?

(A/N) HELLOOO!! So, in case you got a bit lost, the powers are Tolkien, Rowling, and C.S. Lewis. We love them. Alot. And and who is this strange new...um...person?


	5. Chapter 5 where homo babies come from

A/N: I'm BAAAACK. I've been deprived of my computer for the past month, and I got a job. Bagging people's groceries, pushing carts in the rain, and cleaning bathrooms is definitely what I want to do with the rest of my life. Heck yes. Because I'm really not being sarcastic in the least bit.

Now…on to the story.

Peg sat down at her computer and began to type, ignoring the piles of dirty laundry that where threatening to overwhelm her room. "Now, where did I leave off?" she asked, chewing on her pencil in typical fangirl spaced-out fashion. Herself, who was seated in the folding chair next to her, gently reminded her of her stopping point.

AH YES! And with that, she began to type. And the readers' eyes began to bleed.

Phmee and her host of followers, aka Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Sirius, Draco, and Voldemort, went back to Rivendell for a late lunch of pizza and coke, topped off by Sundays with the little cherries and sprinkles on top. Frodo began to cry when Pippin took his cherry, but Sam, in an act of servitude and immense homo love for his master, gave Frodo his cherry. Frodo gazed deeply into Sam's warm chocolate caramel oreo cookie eyes, and….Phmee started crying.

"You're supposed to be into me!!" She wailed in stereotypical sue fashion. Of course she didn't cry like any other girls. She was one of those pretty criers, whose eyes got all lusterous and whose nose didn't turn flamboyant shades of red. All males, hetero or not, began to instantly fawn over her and found their need to go straight deepening immensely.

"I love you forever, Phmee!" shouted Draco. But just then, he recognized her! Beauty and grace couldn't have come from just anywhere! No indeed! He was looking at…He and Harry's long lost lurvechild!!1!

"Phmee, my precious! Come to daddy!"

Just then, Gandalf appeared and presented himself as the voice of reason. "Um…if she's you guys' love child…where did she come out off?" Instantly, he wished he hadn't asked as Hermione pulled out Hogwarts, a History and began to explain the concept of butt babies to the more or less dead wizard. Just then, his long lost brother Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere. He looked as though he had something important to say, but was immediately shushed by his older brother as he began to grasp the concept of butt babies.

"So you're saying that the child appears from the anus? This is quite interesting. I always thought that gender confused relationships generally managed to produce children by means of the stork. This is rather more efficient, however."

"Gandy! I must speak with you immediately! It appears that Lord Moldiewarts has decided against all odds to use Hogwarts as his seventh horcrux!!"


End file.
